you guys i opened a door to let the dogs out and a fucking spider ran across my foot inside and then i was screaming and my mom dropped a plastic bowl on it to not let it run away and then it fUCKING GAVE BIRTH ON THE FLOOR IN THE BOWL AND THEN WE WERE BOTH SCREAMING
WHAT DO I DO
ITS STILL IN THE BOWL AND ITS JUST HAVING MORE BABIES
FUCK
IT DROPPED MORE BABIES
MY DADS LIKE GASSING THEM WITH SPRAY AND ITS STILL GIVING BIRTH
YOU GUYS THOSE ARE ALL BABIES
FUCK MY LIFE
There is only one solution:
Today I went to Subway.
There were these 12 year old boys hanging around. As I got my food and left they were all checking me out like little prepubescent lemurs and one of them said “Can I get your number?” And I turned around and said “Why, you need a babysitter?”
you’re my new favorite person
Oh…
So this…
WASN’T filmed on…
….a soundstage?Oh.
This is most def creepy as fuck.
sorry but can you imagine driving by one day and just seeing the fucking teletubbies out your window
like they turn to look at you and you just fucking GUN IT because oHGOD THEY’RE COMING FOR YOU
Welcome.
Welcome to AREA FUCKING 51.
YOU STOP THAT
wait…DOES THIS MEAN THE VACUUM US REAL TOO?
A customer walked up to me the other day and said “Tell me what’s wrong with this.” It took me a second, and now every time I walk past it the sign just pisses me off.
i… don’t get it?
It is the start of the year 2000, and something is wrong.
Husbands and wives wake up next to each other, scared. They don’t know who the person in the bed with them is. Who is this person? Why are they in my house? Is this my house? Is this their house?
They go out to investigate. A five-year-old child uses a Windows 98 computer in the living room. The child turns around, and asks, “Is it time for me to go to school, mommy?”
The world is in panic. The President of the United States, who awoke in the Oval Office with no knowledge of being elected, calls for a large-scale investigation.
After weeks of asking adults and children alike what is going on, and looking at the various public records, they realize that the children are not confused at all. The adults can only remember what last happened in 1989. However, the children that can speak say that they were born anywhere from 1991 to 1996. Public officials can only draw one conclusion.
To every adult, the 1990s never happened. The children, however, cannot have come from nowhere.
It doesn’t take long after this conclusion for them to realize that only 90s kids remember the 90s.
